


Public Menaces

by Polomonkey



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Bickering, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Kidnapping, M/M, Magic, Resolved Sexual Tension, Superheroes, Supervillains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-15
Updated: 2016-08-15
Packaged: 2018-08-09 01:25:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7781467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polomonkey/pseuds/Polomonkey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a long hard day of supervillainy, all Sophia wants to do is kick back with a bowl of ice cream. But her girlfriend Viv has an unexpected surprise waiting in the basement...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Public Menaces

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Pornalot bonus challenge: superheroes and supervillians. Hope you enjoy!

“Is that you, babe? Come to the basement. I have a surprise for you.”  
  
Sophia paused in the act of unlacing her Doc Martens. It had been a long hard day of being a public menace and all she really wanted to do was kick back with some Ben & Jerry’s and watch the Great British Sewing Bee. But Viv had that husky lilt in her voice, the one she only used when she was particularly excited.  
  
“A sexy surprise?” she said hopefully.  
  
“Come and see…”  
  
Sophia kicked off her Docs and watched them land next to Viv’s red pleather thigh highs. Her girlfriend was a traditionalist when it came to supervillainy – her outfit was all skintight lycra and stilettos made for taking men’s eyes out. Sophia favoured shorts and a t-shirt herself, no matter how much Viv huffed and groaned. Evil schemes were hard work and the last thing Sophia needed was the distraction of having her breasts hiked up to her chin. Plus it was cold in Camelot. Sophia was always warning Viv she’d catch her death in those midriff bearing crop tops.  
  
Not that she didn’t enjoy the view. Suddenly energised, Sophia hurried down the basement stairs, keen to see what Viv’s depraved mind had cooked up this time.  
  
She stopped short at the foot of the stairs, mouth dropping open in disbelief.  
  
“Surprise!” Viv yelled happily.  
  
There on the floor, tied back to back and looking mad as two cats in a bath, were none other than Knight Errant and The Warlock, aka Arthur Pendragon and Merlin Emrys, aka Stick Up His Arse and The Incredible Klutz. Otherwise known as Camelot’s sworn defenders and the bane of Sophia’s entire existence.  
  
“Vivian!” she croaked, overwhelmed. “You shouldn’t have.”  
  
Viv flitted over to give her a peck on the lips.  
  
“Anything for my girl.”  
  
“How did you catch them?”  
  
Sophia couldn’t even begin to imagine the logistics of a scheme that could ensnare Camelot's strongest superteam.  
  
“Oh I put a post on Facebook saying I’d seen a puppy in distress in the alley behind Tesco’s and they showed up like five minutes later.”  
  
Sophia raised her eyebrows at Merlin and Arthur, who at least had the grace to look ashamed.  
  
“I told you it was a trap,” Arthur hissed.  
  
“You were the one who dragged me there!” Merlin shot back. “Didn’t you say your super-hearing was picking up the sounds of whimpering?”  
  
“That was me,” Viv said casually. “Not part of the plan, actually. I spilled fro-yo on my new Kurt Geiger heels so I was having a moment of grief.”  
  
“I’ll steal you new ones, sweetheart,” Sophia said affectionately.  
  
Arthur swore and tugged at the ropes binding him.  
  
“Let us go now or face the dire consequences,” he intoned dramatically.  
  
“He’s like an angry guinea pig,” Sophia mused and heard what sounded very like a laugh from Merlin, which quickly turned to a cough.  
  
“Whereas this one’s more an angry tadpole,” Viv said cheerfully and the smirk dropped off Merlin’s face.  
  
“Look, what are you going to do to us?”

It was a good question actually. Sophia turned to Viv.  
  
“What are we going to do to them?”  
  
“We could make them kiss,” Viv suggested, her eyes lighting up.  
  
“Like they don’t do that, already.”  
  
“How dare you?” Arthur thundered. “There’s nothing more between us than the sacred bond all defenders of righteousness share.”  
  
“Yeah right, Artie,” Sophia said. “You probably shouldn’t wear skin tight pants if you want to hide your obvious hard-on for Merlin.”  
  
Merlin craned his neck around in what could only be described as an eager way.  
  
“What, right now?”  
  
“No, you idiot!” Arthur said, turning as red as his cape.  
  
“Ah, it’s like that is it? I’m curious,” Viv said. “Which one of the two of you, uh…”  
  
Viv trailed off.  
  
“I mean, which one of you – you know… and which is the, uh…”  
  
She gestured vaguely in the air.  
  
“I believe Viv’s trying to ask a rather personal question which is frowned on in polite society,” Sophia said.  
  
“Oh, screw polite. Which of you is the sidekick?”  
  
Both Merlin and Arthur looked deeply affronted.  
  
“The impertinence!” Arthur said. “Neither one of us is the sidekick. We’re both heroes.”  
  
“But if you had to say,” Viv persisted. “If you had to.”  
  
“It’s a ridiculous question,” Merlin said.  
  
“Co-o-ome o-o-on,” Viv whined. “You can both say it at the same time. Count of three.”  
  
“We’re not-”  
  
“One.”  
  
“This isn’t-”  
  
“Two.”  
  
“There’s no way we’ll-”  
  
“Three!”  
  
“Arthur,” Merlin said.  
  
“Merlin,” Arthur said.  
  
“What?!” they both shouted in union.  
  
“Interesting…” Viv said with a pleased little smile and Sophia couldn’t help but squeeze her arse appreciatively. Viv’s devious brain was a thing of beauty.  
  
“You’re clearly the sidekick, Merlin,” Arthur was saying. “I’m the one with super strength and super speed.”  
  
“You’ve taken too many knocks to the head, mate,” Merlin retorted. “Which, by the way, is the point at which I swoop in and win the battle.”  
  
“You’re delusional.”  
  
“I have magic!”  
  
“So get us out of here right now!”  
  
Merlin looked slightly abashed.  
  
“She used iron handcuffs,” he mumbled.  
  
“And there it is! Your superhero weakness is iron, Merlin. Face it, you could be defeated by a housewife with a trouser press.”  
  
“That’s sexist!” Merlin shouted. “And also very hurtful!”  
  
Viv nuzzled into Sophia.  
  
“They’re cute when they fight,” she murmured.  
  
“You’re kidding, right?” Sophia said. “I think they’re making me gayer.”  
  
Viv giggled.  
  
“Can we keep them, then?”  
  
“What for?”  
  
“We could dress them up in petticoats and make them do our housework.”  
  
“Tempting,” Sophia said. “But Arthur would probably enjoy it too much.”  
  
Viv sighed.  
  
“You don’t like my surprise.”  
  
“I love your surprise, sweetheart,” Sophia soothed. “But I think we need them back out there. As supervillains, we’re kind of stuck without superheroes to fight. We need an enemy to give us purpose. It’s kind of a symbiotic relationship.”  
  
“Like Batman and The Joker?”  
  
“I was thinking more like Taylor Swift and Kanye but sure.”  
  
“Alright, you win,” Viv said with only the slightest of pouts. “Come on, boys.”  
  
She walked over to the still bickering pair and lifted them both in the air with one elegant curl of her biceps.  
  
Sophia felt a familiar down low tingle at the sight of Viv manhandling two grown men as if they weighed nothing.  
  
“Hurry home,” she purred out. “Then I’ll see if I can find a surprise for you.”

Viv winked and then flew out, Merlin and Arthur bickering all the way. Not one to waste an opportunity, Sophia shucked off all her clothes and, as an afterthought, set the ice cream out on the side to soften.  
  
Viv was only gone fifteen minutes but it was enough time for a nasty realisation to occur to Sophia.  
  
“Viv. We’ve got that art gallery theft at two tomorrow, remember? Maybe we should have kept them locked up for one more day.”  
  
“When I dropped them back in the alley, Merlin shouted that Arthur was the most colossal prat he’d ever had the misfortune to meet and then smashed their lips together. So I think they might be busy for a while,” Viv said matter of factly.   
  
Sophia cocked her head.  
  
“How long did you stay and watch?”  
  
“Long enough. Did you know that Arthur has a birthmark on his arse the shape of Italy?”  
  
“Again, I’m getting gayer by the second.”  
  
“Babe, I was just refuelling the tank so I could bring it all home to you,” Viv said seductively, climbing on top of Sophia. “Fancy it?”  
  
“Oh, alright,” Sophia said, not at all reluctantly. “But Great British Sewing Bee, after?”  
  
“You know it.”  
  
The Ben & Jerry’s was a little melted by the time they got around to eating it but all things considered, Sophia didn’t really mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Art: Mad as two cats in a bath!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7789894) by [LFB72](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LFB72/pseuds/LFB72)




End file.
